I sat down to start writing this a few hours ago. I don’t often have moments where the kids are occupied and my mind feels clear enough to crank out a coherent thought. I had one of these special times today so I brewed my cup of coffee and opened up my computer. Ah, the perfect moment to sit, reflect, and write!
Within minutes, my son snuck so stealthily up the stairs. I heard the pitter patter of his little feet hit the kitchen floor. Soon he was standing next to me, big brown eyes looking up with a dash of hope, his sweet little hand rested on my leg (he knows I’m weak for him and he plays it up), and he said:
“Mommy. I need mommy. Come downstairs.”
“What do you need?”
“Please play with me. Play with my toys.”
I thought for a brief moment. My cup of coffee, hot. The setting was right, the time was right, I could finally write.
But it took all of 10 seconds for me to shut my computer, grab my mug, and pick him up to carry him back downstairs to play (because it’s always his request that “I carry you”.)
We stayed downstairs until it was lunch time. Now they sit on their “picnic” in the living room, eating lunch and watching Paw Patrol (which we managed to avoid watching until 11 am! A miracle!) I opened up my computer to write once again. No interruptions so far. Nap time is only 20 minutes away, but I wouldn’t be surprised if this little endeavor ends with a request from a child even sooner. If it does, that will be okay, too.
——
There’s this idea that life change happens best in two degree increments.
Sure, huge 180 degree turns can be good. Sometimes completely necessary. But when we find ourselves in a deeply unsatisfying life, two degrees can make a big difference. I want to say I knew this concept and set out to achieve it but the truth is that I stumbled into this way of thinking. I spent many New Year moments setting big goals with very practical, tangible steps to take to successfully mark those goals off as complete at some point in the year. But truth be told, motherhood humbled me into believing that I may have a bit more success if I focus on two degrees at a time.
I set out into 2018 with my hands high, absolutely surrendered.
2016-2017 knocked me flat on my face.
I was tired, but hopeful that 2018 wouldn’t be so stinking hard.
So I threw out my “practical” lists and I said to God that I only want two things this year.
In 2018 I wanted to know God more and hear him above all else.
Surely, if these things could happen, life will move on this two degree change I want.
While big, drastic changes can be awesome and exciting, I’ve needed to see little movements in my day to day more than the big ones. The little changes I’ve seen in the last year really prepared me for dealing with the big changes that are on the horizon (because gasp! I just realized I’m having a baby THIS YEAR.)
Preparing my heart in small ways, helped me swallow the very surprising moment of finding out another baby was coming on someone else’s timing and not my own.
These small heart changes helped me be okay with the fact that this pregnancy has taken a much greater toll on my physical body than any pregnancy before.
These small heart changes have helped me seek the Lord with my fears regarding another transition to more kids- fear that still stems from a traumatic delivery of Miles and the most difficult couple of years for us as a family in regards to becoming a family of four.
These small heart changes have helped me encourage and love my extended family as they’ve walked hard journeys. Mostly that means I’ve depended more on prayer as being my main focus because I cannot be with them in the day to day. I’m finally feeling at peace about my role in their stories from afar.
These small heart changes have helped me drop the excess, tune out voices I don’t need to hear over God’s voice. It helped me decide to quit social media once and for all. It helped me stop thinking so much about myself or even about you when it comes to my writing. It helped me think about who God is and what he would want to happen in my heart an the words to come out of my mouth.
I want to say making a list with specific steps to accomplish tasks made 2018 successful but it didn’t. Completely open hands and heart was the only way. I spent many months of 2018 (20 weeks to be exact) really torn up about what God was doing in my life but allowing him to change my heart two degrees at a time has pushed me into such sweet anticipation of 2019.
The fear I’ve felt about transitioning to life with another baby (having no clue what her delivery or first few months could be like, no idea what our other two kids will do in her arrival, no idea if my mental state will falter in these months) has been covered by peace. Pushing my own personal plans to the side once left me frustrated but now I’m finding the joy of the Lord in the unexpected. My many, many what if’s have been covered by so what’s.
So what if xxxxx happens?
God would still be God, and God would still be good.
He is, through it all, so very good.
The more I know of him, the more I hear his voice, the more peace that is beyond comprehension falls upon my soul.
——
When I shut my computer, grabbed my mug and wandered downstairs to have my children make me fake food in their fake kitchen, I knew it was evidence. It was evidence that everything in my heart had changed just two degrees at a time.
A couple of years ago I would find myself incredibly frustrated that they would dare interrupt my precious writing time. I’d convinced myself my hobbies needed priority and that if it was time to write then it was time to write. I felt a bit lost in motherhood.
Interruptions were not welcome.
But here I am. The product of small changes making bigger waves.
When my heart is more in tune with God, it’s flows into my desires with my family. It permeates parts of me I used to work hard to protect and gives me freedom to walk away from what I know “needs” to be done and walk toward something that might actually turn out to be better.
The four of us played downstairs together for awhile and guess what? I still got to write this eventually. My kids will probably never read this. They probably won’t care what 2018 taught me or what I hoped for in 2019. But maybe they will remember the way they made mommy and daddy “fall asleep” after eating an apple (we are on a real Snow White kick right now). They might remember how their kisses brought us back to life. They might remember how we spent more time decorating their room in those moments downstairs. I don’t know what they will remember, but I bet it has much more to do with the togetherness we got to have for a couple of hours.
Could I have written something in that time? Sure. But I didn’t. And though I thought that was the perfect moment to write, it turns out four big brown eyes needed me to look into them instead. And it was perfect.
——
I ended my post looking into 2018 with this:
To 2018: I look at you with the same kind of hope. I’ve stopped believing I have any idea what the next year will hold, I have no idea what you’re bringing us. But I have my God, I have his gospel truth, and I have my loved ones and we are ready for you. We are ready to become better no matter what you bring to us. Let’s do this.
I laugh now, and honestly kind of shake my head a little. I spent the last couple of days washing baby things and starting my big preparations for Eliza. This is not what I thought I would be doing to close out 2018.
I honestly can’t imagine what’s next. Can’t make predictions. All I can hope is that there are five of us ringing in 2020 with our hearts more focused on God than ever before. And to be completely honest, no new big ideas for me this year. I just want more of the same. I want to know God more and hear his voice above all else. I’ll keep doing what I’m doing but maybe with some little tweaks here and there so that my heart would turn two degrees more toward God. My prayer is that next year I see more evidence of slow, steady changes into who he’d ask me to be as his child, his disciple.
Happy New Year, friends.
Peace & Joy 