*In honor of October 15th and Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, I offer my latest reflections on pregnancy after loss. If you know a friend hurting because of these painful subjects, give them extra love this month. And please pass this along to a friend who needs it.
God is good.God is love.God is sovereign.
This is what I type in my notes app as I lie in bed the night before my ultrasound. I went through this before my previous ultrasound and still, at 20 weeks, I’m convincing myself that no matter what happens tomorrow: these things are still true. I remind myself today because I wonder if it will be what I need to hear tomorrow.
I’ve given birth to two living children. I’ve made it through two anatomy ultrasounds with healthy children. Yet, I know that someone has to fall in the bad side of statistics. So why wouldn’t it be me again this time?
The day before my very first ultrasound six years ago, I didn’t know it was possible to show up and find out my baby’s heart wasn’t beating anymore. If I had known, maybe I would have reminded myself of all that God is before I walked into that room.
The number one thing I needed someone to tell me after I got that diagnosis? I needed someone to tell me that God is the same. He is the same as he was before I found out my baby died.
Ultrasounds=fear.
I think it’s that way for a lot of people but for mothers who’ve received bad news in this supposed-to-be-joyous event, it’s hard to have much hope walking into the office to see your baby. So today, the day before my 20 week ultrasound of my third child, fifth pregnancy: my fear sinks in. Tomorrow it might all change.
I ask myself, what if it does?
What if this ultrasound leaves me devastated like my very first one did?
What if, what if, what if.
I can’t remember who told me this or where I read it (so if it was you, thank you forever) but it’s not about what if, anymore. It’s about what is.
God is good (even if my baby is sick).God is love (even if my baby won’t be okay).God is sovereign (even when I receive bad news).
So tonight I try to push out the what ifs and remember that God is.
He doesn’t change from the time before I enter the ultrasound appointment to the time after. He’s the same. He’s still everything he says he is. He is still everything I believe he is.
And the beauty is, I feel fear sometimes but awhile ago he freed me from it. It has no hold. I can confidently tell fear that I follow hope now. It’s chains can’t bind me. He turned me from a slave to fear to a child of hope.
He taught me to believe he can heal anything, sure. But more importantly he taught me to believe that he is love even if he doesn’t heal. He is good even if I don’t get what I want.
So I’m free.
The day before this ultrasound, I doubt and I worry. I think about the what if’s and what we would do if…
But he lifts my chin and reminds me of what is. Of who he is. And that he’s not changing. My heart may shatter and break but it leaves no void his love can’t fill.
The day before: I declare who he is out loud.
God is good.God is love.God is sovereign.
It’s all true.None of that changes tomorrow.
Peace & Joy 